More Survival Strategies

Meeting birth mum I think it’s really important you take photos of you all together for future reference and also if somebody is taking pics why don’t they just take a picture of head and shoulders also - I do this when I'm photographing weddings anyway as it often looks nice and would mean you'd have a photo you felt comfortable with showing your child. Normally you would agree with the social worker previously the venue and time limit - normally people say 30 minutes or an hour max. The social worker can facilitate discussion and be in charge of the meeting i.e. if someone needs a break etc.  It can be emotional on all sides so don't worry about that - you should make sure you get to talk to your social worker immediately afterwards, so let the birth mum go first and you can have a chat with your social worker about how it went etc. Standard questions could include favourite song she used to sing to child, lots of favourite questions, maybe asking about any little quirks you've noticed in your child – did they do them then etc. It should flow after the initial awkwardness of it. It doesn't have to last a long time though. from lynne_safc Surviving adoption training We've done the four-day training course - so much information to take in, very emotional and draining. I think a few couples were thinking, "gosh what are we getting ourselves into". A lot of it is telling you the worst case scenarios and can get quite negative, but all in all it was a really interesting course and we learnt a lot. Everyone seemed to enjoy it and we made some good friends who I'm sure we will keep in touch with for some time to come. Anyone reading this who is about to go on training, all I can say is go with an open mind, enjoy it, it is quite draining emotionally. They don't really say too much about the rewards of adopting, but those rewards will come when you have children calling you ‘mummy’ and smiling at you. from Snickers Introducing church to children We haven't actually done this yet, but have thought about it a lot. We're thinking in terms of children aged from three up to about eight. The first thing we would do is tell the church they're coming and that they need to not be overwhelmed by everyone rushing up to meet them. Most people know we're adopting anyway, so this wouldn't be a big deal. Get them to take some things to church with them. Quiet things to do - colouring, books to read, soft toy, that sort of thing. We’ll explain to them before we go that they have the choice of whether to stay in the main room with everyone or go with the other children. I would speak to children's leaders to check they'd be happy for me to be in there too (we are all CRB checked, after all!). I’d encourage them to go to the children's group and then I would stay with them. Sit right with them if necessary, but aim to be on the sidelines and allow them to integrate with the other children. If they seem to want to be left, or be happy to be left, explain that they can ask the adult to send for me at any time and I'll come back. Leave them for gradually longer times each week, depending on how they get on. If they don't want to go with the children, they have quiet things they can do in the main meeting. Perhaps choose carefully where to sit - on the edge or at the back so there's a bit more freedom and possibly a bit of empty floor space. from Merry Meeting birth mum I think it’s really important you take photos of you all together for future reference and also if somebody is taking pics why don’t they just take a picture of head and shoulders also - I do this when I'm photographing weddings anyway, as it often looks nice and would mean you'd have a photo you felt comfortable with showing your child. Normally you would agree with your social worker previously the venue and time limit - normally people say 30 minutes or an hour (max). Your social worker can facilitate discussion and be in charge of the meeting i.e. if someone needs a break etc. It can be emotional on all sides so don't worry about that - you should make sure you get to talk to your social worker immediately afterwards, so let the birth mum leave first and you can have a chat with your social worker about how it went etc. Standard questions could include favourite song she used to sing to your child, lots of favourite questions, maybe asking about any little querks you've noticed in your child – did they do them then etc.  It should flow initially after the initial awkwardness.  It doesn't have to last a long time though. from lynne_safc Bathtime Battles We had this for quite a while when our son was placed with us. In the end, we got some baby wipes for sensitive skin and got our son to wipe his private parts every morning when he was refusing to have a bath, as he wasn't dry at night and needed pull ups. A damp flannel so he could clean himself in his bedroom also helped sometimes when he was refusing to go into the bathroom. We now put plenty of bubbles in the bath and don't worry too much about the washing himself bit. Our son had never played in a bath before he lived with us and was scared to immerse himself. So we spent lots of time running bubbles, playing with boats, washing favourite toys - all with him fully clothed on the outside of the bath leaning in....it desensitized him so that he stopped fighting so much when he needed to have one. He was also terrified - and I mean terrified - of the shower or of getting his hair wet. We since found out that he was dropped in the bath as a baby and almost drowned. We solved it by letting him wear his goggles - and also his snorkel set and mask in the bath - gets his hair wet! A shallow bath so he can lie back in it and have his hair washed without water coming over his face also helps sometimes. Or a really big bath with bubbles up to the ceiling! Bubble guns blowing bubbles round the bathroom also makes it fun without the tidal waves. from Moonshadow Considering adopting a sibling group I think that an important consideration (and one that non adopting relatives will have no idea about) is that three children with relatively good relationships with one another can be a whole bundle easier than two children who have relationship difficulties. I have six children (who all arrived singly I hasten to add!) and I would say that the jump from no children to one is the biggest! I would be looking carefully at how the family dynamics operate, do a lot of straight talking about how you would make life as easy for yourself in practical ways. If when you have done that all seems positive - get filling your freezer, have some fun time as a couple, and go for it! from Thelma   Meeting birth parents We met the birth father of our adopted son last year, before our son was placed. A social worker was present, and we were able to talk beforehand about what was and wasn't acceptable to talk about. Firstly, don't give away too much about your own family (surname, where you've travelled from). It's easy to for the birth parent to ask 'how was your journey?' and to respond ‘it wasn't far, just a few minutes down the M1!' Safety is still important. We found that the birth father was happy to speak about his own childhood and what it was like growing up. We also asked him what he saw in his son's future (what he wanted for him), and whether there was anything he wanted to pass on. (We were told - grow his hair, let him eat lots of mangoes, don't let him smoke or eat red meat - it makes you fat! Not much we could disagree with!) He spoke about his relationship with the birth mum. And then he wanted to know a little about us. You may want to consider what you are willing to say, and what you keep to yourself. He wanted to know what we did for work, where we worked, where we lived and what kind of food we ate. The social worker also took a picture - of head and shoulders (so it had a good focus on the face) If your child is with your already, they are really the best topic of conversation. Birth mums like to know things like what food they like, what they like doing, what they look like - and what they don't like. You might find they offer some similarities. from Starflapper Bullying After speaking to teacher, emailing headteacher with little effect other than them agreeing to keep an eye on him - we kept a photographic log on the computer, with a label underneath saying our son's explanation for each incident. In one week he received 17 bruises to his back, shins and chest. The school was trying to say it was due to playing with the older boys too roughly, i.e. that it was my son's fault for playing inappropriately. And that midday supervisors had observed him playing and no bullying was taking place. We called a meeting (just said it was to discuss 'concerns') and produced photographic evidence. Their faces blanched - clearly us saying he was coming home with bruises didn't equate to over 20 cuts and bruises on a small child. Now he is supervised most lunchtimes, with a buddy system in place. Sometimes you have to result to shock tactics! from Moonshadow Tantrums at 10 We often have major tantrums from our 10-year-old girl. She will completely lose it over the slightest thing sometimes. I have found The Explosive Child a handy book for tips. What I tend to do is leave her to it - there is no point in reasoning or talking to her so ignoring her is best, we then get; "you will not ignore me I hate you!” To which I softly say “I love you very much darling,” and walk away. Get everyone and everything out of the way. If she starts kicking her wardrobe etc. I encourage her to kick it harder and shout louder. Because she will not comply with anything I say at this point she will stop and do something else. Some people have advocated getting a trampoline for such a troubled little girl but we really don’t have the room. Worth a go? Also, we found the more exercise we got our daughter doing in the week the less aggression she showed at home (not a ‘cure’ though). from Dimples Spitting We turned it into spitting competitions who could spit the furthest or can you hit the target. Then because you are giving permission (so goes the theory) to act like that, it loses its appeal. Rather like the ad where the child has a tantrum and mum joins in. I have found it is not an overnight cure but does help. from AMH School lunch times We took our son out on Fridays from Year Three to Year Six (Dad did it in his lunch hour) and that worked quite well as it was a special thing and not a retreat. The school also had two ‘privilege clubs’ which vulnerable children could go to when they liked and others could win a ticket. Both were supervised by LSAs and one was more ‘craft’ things to do and the other more board games etc. A lot of children got a lot of benefit from these clubs for one reason or another. Our problem was our son didn't make enough use of them, preferring to play football in the yard when his social skills weren't really up to it. For my child I thought it was quite important to keep him at school most of the time at lunchtime because that's where children learn a lot of their social skills. Another thing the school did was invite me to do a few free sessions of playground duty to see for myself what was happening. It was a valuable experience, quite aside from the fact that I turned out quite good at it and they used to pay me from time to time as a stand-in. Our son has always tried to keep us on a ‘need to know’ basis and it's a challenge keeping one step ahead sometimes! from Bizzy Lizzy Bathtime Battles If your child will get into the bath, but won't wash with soap, is it really worth the fight to have them use soap? Try wrong-footing them. If they refuse to wash with soap, or say they have (when you know they haven’t) just say "OK then, time to get out". If they then refuse, say that's OK, they can get out when they want to. And sit and chat about something unrelated to the bath. If you don't give them a battle, they may stop fighting? If they won't wash their hair, or make such a fuss, then don't wash it for a while. (One advantage – they’re unlikely to ever get head lice with dirty hair!). It won't hurt to have dirty hair for a week or two. Or try another tactic. Let them not bathe and get smelly, if that's their choice. But then make it clear that they don’t get to go to Brownies (for example) unless they have had a bath, because it's not fair on the other children to have to do something fun with a smelly child. (Stress the fun bit, or they might ask why they have to go to school when smelly). Or find something else they really enjoy and want to do, and make it a condition that they have a bath/shower before they can do it. So it's their choice: have a bath or miss the treat. That way, they keep control, but so do you. Another suggestion, would be to ask (after the bath is over) what they were thinking and feeling when in the bath - the answers might give you the reason why they’ve turned them into such a control battle, and give you a way to stop the battles. These might not work, but are worth a try? from FehrScaper Toddler Tantrums I thought I'd share some practical things that have worked for me - currently on my third (and last) toddler! Firstly though I just wanted to say that with all my three after the first few months of being like scared little rabbits (only noticeable with hindsight) they have all gone through what I call an angry period when things have been quite tough. They've all seemed to be just - well, angry really is the only way I can describe it. But they have all come through it and I do think that it's been a positive experience. I think it just shows in a way that they are comfortable enough with us to be able to demonstrate how they are feeling. Nappy changing: I've found it best to continue changing them on a changing table for as long as possible. I know they generally say only up to 12 months but mine have stayed on there until they've been too long. It seems to inhibit their kicking and wriggling. I've only just started changing littly - just two - on the floor and that's when she became more difficult so now I involve her. She gets the nappy, the mat and the wipes ready and then happily lays down on the floor for me. My only problem is making sure I get there first or she tries to do it herself! Aerial food drops: I generally take this as a cue that they've had enough and remove food and all utensils and take them out of their chair - even if they've not finished. This works particularly well with littly who's terribly fond of her food! If it means missing a meal or two then so be it - they won't starve. Washing hands after the potty - really wouldn't worry too much about this - it's just not an issue. I still frequently have to remind my six-year-old to wash his hands. Don't make a fuss, just wipe them over with some wet wipes. My little one has a habit of pinching and slapping and I'm always very firm with her that this is not acceptable. I also make sure that each and every time she apologises to the person whom she's pinched, by giving them a hug and a kiss and saying sorry. This is something I've always done and eventually the message does get through. Middly even apologised to his teacher this week - completely of his own volition - after he'd been naughty. She was thrilled with the hug and the kiss from him! Shoes: my middly was a nightmare with his shoes. Even in mid-winter I was to be found with him in the buggy minus his shoes and socks. And freezing. But, it was his choice, he was the one who was cold, not me, and I refused to spend my entire life putting on his shoes and socks. Again, it was a phase and something that he got over in time. Littly has also started doing this as well - generally when she's miffed at me for not having her own way. I just get there before her and take them off so that we don't lose them. Hats and scarves: even at two you can't force them to do something they don't want to do. Don't make an issue of it ... if they insist on removing hat, gloves or whatever then, hey, they get cold! It's a learning process and pretty soon they realise that it's nicer to be warm than cold. Our bugbear at the moment with littly is her constant rummaging in the fridge or cupboards - it's driving me potty, but I also recognise that it's something she does when she's not having, on demand, my 100 per cent attention. from Donatella Bathtime Battles Our child went through a phase about six months after placement when, having been absolutely fine at bathtime, of real screaming fits - until he was sick and with water up as far as the ceiling. We never got to the bottom of it but it went away as quickly as it started, I think it was just a boundary testing exercise to be honest. We wondered if there was an issue with having been hurt by too hot water in the past, but there’s no indication that that was ever a problem. He definitely still prefers water on the chilly side of warm. I will say that showers were a no no - we went camping where there were only showers and that was very painful, entertaining no doubt for the other campers but very upsetting for me as there was pretty much no alternative to bear hugging him and getting wet with him whilst enduring a lung bursting screaming punching fit. We can risk him being dirty at home but not in a tent. I have no idea what got him through the phase in the end - determination from us probably that he would have a bath. Ensuring that he understood what the rules were about bath and bath time. Always ensuring that there is fun - and play - but that playtime is a reward that comes after washing. He got the same message from mum and me - though I tend to have a much shorter period of negotiation. I felt like, and probably was, bullying him into it at times. He did seem to capitulate after I dumped him unceremoniously fully clothed into the bath, school uniform needed washing anyway. He's fine now although almost every night there is a good humoured chase round the house before we can get him undressed and the chase has just a slight feeling of teetering on the edge, as if at any minute he could flip from fun to fury. He enjoys choosing his own soap at the shops. He liked those fizzy bath salt ‘bath bombs’. He did wear swimming goggles a few times - which got him past the fear of getting his eyes soapy (so much so that he was quickly putting his entire head under water). I let him control how hot and how deep the water is so there can’t be any argument. If all else fails how about the swimming pool? At least your child will be clean and seeing other people in the showers especially kids might convince them it can’t be too harmful. from Richard1066 Toddler Tantrums Think of tantrums as a normal stage of development like walking, talking and potty training and you will feel less stressed about it. Some kids manage each of these things better than others, others struggle and stay at one stage a little longer. My suggestions are ignore, ignore, ignore again, or if you can learn the signs of a possible conflict, distract. Works brilliantly in my experience with my own kids, childminded kids and foster kids under three. Sometimes you need a nice bit of play-acted drama to get the desired response. Ignoring though means that - no eye contact, no glance, no sharp intake of breath as the food hits the carpet etc. This is behaviour modification, by ignoring and it will get worse before it gets better - also normal - he up's the ante to provoke a reaction - yes, chuck the bowl further, harder, stick it on your head - ignore and steadfastly carry on with what you are doing. When he stops throwing you can then offer the attention - that's the reward - without commenting on the wrongdoing, only on what he is currently doing right. At the end of the day the child and the floor, furniture etc. are cleanable, and banging and yelling is not a big problem. It’s not an easy job, and it’s all pretty labour intensive and mentally exhausting. from Midge Bathtime Battles We have a choices and a no choices list on our fridge. The children can choose things e.g. game to play on the PS2 on a Friday. Stuff like bath on Sunday, shower Tuesday and Thursday are ‘no choices’, together with appropriate clothing etc. We made the list together. It gives some back up when I calmly ask them to "check the list". By the way - I make it clear that we are the only ones who can make judgements on whether shower, teeth etc. are properly done or will consider that the children are very tired and need more practice. from Dimples Difficulties in first weeks of placement Two to three weeks is a very short time for a child to feel settled. Depending on background, it can take a long time. Our eldest was nearly five when he came to us and I don't think that he could grasp that the placement really was permanent for about 18 months.  Before that he used to go through cycles of trying to reject us before we rejected him: his behaviour would really escalate and we think it was that he was trying to break down the placement himself because he couldn't stand the waiting until he was moved on. That was, after all, his experience: every time he felt settled anywhere, he'd be shunted off. The very fact that your child has been told the placement is permanent may mean they test that permanence. If your child is destroying things, I'd also recommend not letting them know what's important or locking it away. Saying "these things mean a lot to us" and how much you'd like them to look after them is a bit of a recipe for disaster. Do get as much advice and support as you can from the social workers. from Corkwing I have a spitting four-year-old (been with us about 15 months). It is so hard to remain calm, because it is a horrible habit. But in my own personal experience I have found that he only spits at times when he is struggling. The spitting is a big sign to me that he is unsettled. So I tend not to tell him off for it, I try to stay calm and say things like "OK, you are cross with me now, but when you have calmed down can we have a cuddle and talk about it? Let me know when you are ready to have a cuddle." After it is all over we do have a cuddle and a talk about what has upset him, lots of reassurance and telling him I love him and how lovely he is.  Then I give him a cloth and he has to wipe up all the spit (we have a wooden floor, so it doesn't go away). Now he is older and I can have reasonably sensible conversations with him I impose a small consequence for the spitting, i.e. no more sweeties today. I do reiterate that I understand he is unhappy and I am sorry about this and I really want to help him, but spitting at mommy isn't the way forward. The spitting has diminished over recent months, even when he has been unsettled.  I have seen him go to spit and I have said something like "I hope there isn't going to be any spitting today" and he does seem to think about it and then swallow down whatever he had ready in his mouth. I know not every child is the same, but perhaps you can take heart that my champion spitter is now able to stop himself doing it (with a bit of help from me). from DCO Adopting a sibling group We adopted three boys, five and half years ago - they are now nine, seven and six. First year is bit of a blur but they are the best things to happen to us - even if at times we are exhausted and at the end of our tether. And yes at the intros there were times when we felt like we wanted to run - luckily it was at different times. Practical advice is to stick to the routine they have as it makes then feel much more secure. Bit by bit you can add how you want things done...actually we did baths and stories before bed straight off and they loved it! However I believe that they need to be in bed by at least 7.30pm so you have a bit of time to yourself. Go to Mothercare or such like and tell them you are adopting three and boy will you get help - they even fitted the car seats as I had no idea! And invest in lots of stair gates and move everything of value out! Get practical help with washing, even cleaning if you can so you can spend time with the kids. If your social services has support so you can have one to one time with each child then take it. I did for the eldest just swimming once a week but it helped. Biggest bit of advice would be to baby even the eldest - we didn't and looking back I regret it as he needed it as much as the others. Other advice - don't buy shoes with laces - Velcro every time. Invest in Barbie videos (my boys like them) so you can have snuggle time in the winter on the sofa with them). Sleep whenever you get the opportunity, take berocca every day ( it was fab and stopped the colds and stuff you will get with new kids in the house). Video from the outset – it’s my boys favourite to look back and watch this as they have no baby pictures of their own As I said it was a bit of a blur so can't think of anything else - but great for weight loss! from Fifi Playing with a controlling child My daughter can be controlling (nearly seven), although she does play for long periods alone (usually role play or physical games rather than with toys). We have done a lot of board games with her to help her follow set rules - a particular favourite is snakes and ladders, also likes lotto type games. She does try to change the rules of these at times - usually I say I won't play unless we play by the rules, but sometimes I let her vary them (on my terms). I do think my daughter has gradually become less controlling over the years - I find it usually returns big time when she is under stress. From Milly Spitting Oh, it's horrible isn't it? My daughter does it - she's just two - and I absolutely hate it. And she does it deliberately when she can't have her own way. She'll spit at me, at her brothers - it's just disgusting and I really find it hard not to react. Her chin is all spotty where she spits/dribbles/blows raspberries. Most unattractive. On a good day I react by just getting down to her level, holding her close and telling her that spitting is not a nice thing to do. On other days when I'm not feeling quite so patient I'm more blunt about it. And even though she's only just two she does know exactly what she's doing and she knows that she will get a reaction from me even though I do try my hardest to ignore it. I'm hoping that it's something she will grow out of - like grinding her teeth which was her last irritating habit.  from Donatella Playing with a controlling child My daughter (nine) can be very controlling, and does not play on her own. She will play if somebody is watching, or if she is playing with her sister (thankfully they do play nicely together most of the time - until she tries to boss her around, then it goes a bit pear-shaped). If nobody is watching her/playing with her she appears unable to play on her own, and most of her toys are hardly used because of this. One thing you could try is 'child led' play, also known as 'special play', where basically the child is in charge of the play, and you do not tell them what to do, you do almost like a running commentary of what they are doing (feels a bit strange at first), but our daughter does enjoy it, because it shows they are the focus of attention/in control. The idea is that if they are in control at certain times, they may not need to be so controlling the rest of the time. Also giving choices, gives them the feeling they are in control, although you are choosing the choices (hope that makes sense). They love it when we all play ludo, or traditional games like that and they tend to go better than other types of games. We try to play or have story just before bedtime, me and my husband either take it in turns to play game/story with our daughter so that they have individual attention, or we all play a game together, and they really enjoy it.  We don't do it every night, because sometimes we will let them stay up a bit later instead, but do try to do it during the week if we can. from Tiny Dealing with lunch time When my elder daughter was struggling, I went into school at lunchtime. Due to having to drop my youngest daughter at nursery, by the time I got to school my elder daughter had eaten her lunch (or was just finishing) and was either waiting for me, or I found her in the playground. We then sat quietly in her class having a cuddle and story, and then I would go once the other children were coming back in. This worked well for us. I also asked school to arrange an activity for my daughter at lunchtime, which she could do with a select few, preferably supervised by an adult. This never happened, but would've been beneficial to add some structure to playtime. from Littlemisscheerful Calming down I find the easiest thing when I am about to overreact when we are at home is to put some space between me and the child (usually my daughter, nearly 13, same height as me and thanks to all the exercise she does, muscles like an ox). I make sure she is safe, and tell her I love her very much, I don't accept her behaviour, but I am too cross to sort it out now, so I will be having five minutes to calm down and then we will talk. I usually stalk off to the kitchen and make a drink, find some chocolate and calm down, alternatively, I slam pans around and kick the door. Not long term solutions but it does help in that moment of crisis. For calming them, I find a warm milkshake in my seven-year-old’s baby bottle reaches her quicker than anything, and a warm bath with essential oils is good for calming too - she's there at the moment after a particularly fractious morning. from Hippychick Coming home for lunch My daughter has been coming home from school now for lunch since her first term, and she is nearly seven. It gave her a chance to have lunch in a calm environment, and to top up on hugs before she went back for the afternoon session, and she did cope better for it. As she didn't eat or drink whilst she was in school, she was also getting into all kinds of scrapes and bother, I think it was so she could go and sit in a quiet place. She's at school on a part time basis at the moment (desperate measures at the middle of last term due to very high levels of separation anxiety and a lot of other problems), but that's another story. Maybe your child will cope better seeing you half way through the day, and when he or she is ready, can make the move back. I'm a very strong believer in going with what feels right for our little ones. from Hippychick Problems sleeping Our daughter has always had problems sleeping. We started out with the principle that she must sleep in her own cot/bed, but reached a point where it was clearly not working. Co-sleeping has worked very well for her, and I wish we had tried it sooner. She spent six months last year when she was at her most stressed sleeping with us (she's seven now), and gradually as we've been able to reduce her stress she's been able to move back to her own bed and her own room. We hit a lot of opposition from family, but it worked and we were happy with it. Change is incredibly difficult for her and we do fall back into co-sleeping when things are at their most difficult, on holiday for example, and last night when she had had nightmares. If we are staying in a hotel, it's taken as read that she will sleep with me, she's always given the option to have her own bed, but we know that she'll end up sharing. We still sit with her until she falls asleep, she is too scared to stay on her own, I usually sit and read with my hand on her back so she knows I am there. Margot Sunderland’s book, The Science of Parenting has some really useful information on managing sleep which may be helpful; it helped me understand things for my daughter. from Hippychick A close time opportunity I find it hard to have a close time with my kids, apart from bedtime stories. Life is busy, the kids generally want to be doing big things, and, to be honest, I'm not very good at that sort of thing. Tickling and roughing them up is fine: close, intimate play isn't something I'm terribly comfortable with or know how to initiate. But I've realised that it happens in the back of the car. On long journeys (and, man, does this cut across everything in our culture!) I have been sitting in the middle row of our people carrier so that I can more easily calm disputes, pass round snacks, etc. It is really hard to not be the one at the wheel and even harder to give up your rightful position in the front. Really hard! Anyway, I have normally been plugging myself in to an MP3 player, reading books and ignoring the kids as much as possible. I've seen the journey as something to be endured and simply the means to the end of getting somewhere, rather than an opportunity. But this time we had some of those magic boards that you draw on and then rub out. It was really good being able to interact with the kids, drawing awful pictures and having them try to guess - and vice versa. I'm not sure whose drawing is worse: mine of theirs! The evening trip home was even better. Close physical contact with my son with attachment disorder is sporadic. Having him tired and going to sleep next to me was a wonderful opportunity. I could put my hand on him, support his head when he'd dropped off, kiss him without having it rubbed off... I felt really close to him in a way that I don't think that I have before, and I'm really sure that something happened with him as well. It could not have happened like that at home, because he would not have accepted me putting him to bed while Mum was around. Hopefully next time we are going on a long journey I'll remember this and plan activities do to with them. from Corkwing Sleeping problems in babies It's very hard when they don't sleep - having them sleep at least gives you a little bit of breathing space and time to regroup a little. Our two littlest have, thankfully, been no problem regarding sleeping but our eldest was really difficult. He was fine until 12 months old when it all went to pot and it took a very long time for us to get it together again. We tried various things to get him to sleep but by far the best thing was for me to just give in, cuddle up with him, a cuppa, the telephone and a remote control and just let him sleep in my arms while I watched This Morning. It wasn't ideal as it meant I couldn't use that time to do anything else but it was good for him and for me. At least it meant that I did get to actually sit down and chill. Buggy walking worked provided I didn't stop - so we walked for miles, and ditto the car - he'd sleep in the car but only while I was driving. As soon as I stopped he woke up. Nighttimes varied but usually my husband or I took it in turns to take him to bed. We put a duvet on the floor beside his cot and stayed with him until he fell asleep. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. We progressed to staying there until he'd almost fallen asleep and then moving slowly bit by bit out of the room whilst reassuring him that we were still there. Again, sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. The alternative was to bring him downstairs with us, cuddle up and allow him to fall asleep on the sofa. If we could then take him to his own cot we did, alternatively we just took him into bed with us. If he woke in the middle of the night and wouldn't settle then he'd come into bed with us. Quite honestly with a non-sleeping baby I didn't care where he slept - just as long as he slept and we slept. He needed the comfort of having mummy and daddy close by and so that's what we gave him. It did right itself eventually but he was still coming into our bed until he was almost four. Now, aged six, he sleeps like a log and only wakes up for a wee and a drink. from Donatella Passing Information on to New Teachers We have found that some schools do pass information on and others don't. With the previous school we wrote some brief notes for the next teacher and arranged to see them within a few weeks of the start of term. When we went to do this at the present school there was no need. When I was teaching I would meet with the teacher who had the children coming in to my class and the teacher who would have the children I had taught. At this time I would highlight any problems that the teacher needed to know - this would include medical details, and where appropriate ways of settling an anxious child. At the end of each year notes were made for the children’s files. But to be honest very few teachers read these until they have had the children for half a term or so. The reason for this is the need to get to know the child for yourself, rather than be coloured by another person’s opinions. I think a note highlighting some of the differences is the best way forward. from Dolphin Mum Rejecting Mum Adopted children often find relationships with the mum ‘role’ very tricky, because their brains are wired funnily due to past rejections, losses and other traumas. This means they cannot differentiate between a ‘safe’ mum and a not ‘safe’ mum even if it is stark contrast to previous encounters. It is not personal - it would be any lady in that role. Children often ‘blame’ the mother role for all the bad things that have happened even if the birth mum didn’t participate. It might be worth giving the foster carers a bell and asking if they came across this - they may not have done as it was a different kind of placement, but worth asking. On the positive side, your child is seeing you as someone who wants to be close to him and that is why they push you away - your love messages are getting through. The last few times they were close to a lady who was like a mum it hurt very much to lose her, so they put up their own barriers to make sure this doesn’t happen again. This may well be completely subconscious. On a practical level there are loads of things you can do to slowly build the relationship. It is positive that they can attach to someone, which means in all likelihood they will attach to you given time, patience love and support. 1) Do activities together - things they like; even looking through the Argos catalogue choosing what to spend millions on. Dominoes and puzzles, even sharing a TV programme together. 2) Read Dan Hughes stuff on attunement and try some out: I did brushing hair as hugs kisses were too much. The mirror game is good - you pretend there is a mirror and copy what they are doing, touching their nose, them touching your nose etc. 3) Be firm. Let them have time with your husband and make out it is the thing that makes you happiest in the world! Set aside one or two things that you just do together on your own. They won’t like it to start with but stick at it. They are like a scared toddler and you are showing it is fun and they don’t need to be afraid. 4) Get support. Ring social services, say you have some attachment issues and ask for the post adoption support team to get in touch. 5) Shame and blame and anger and control are all big issues for children with poor early attachment. Remember you are not alone! 6) Personal Support. Make sure your friends and family take you out and make sure you still feel like you... it is important. Talk about how you are feeling. from Dimples Making Friends Our daughter always had problems relating to other children, particularly with large groups at school. I am sure this was one of the things that triggered off the bullying which subsequently led to us taking her out of school to home-educate. Since we have taken her out of school, and she is not facing such large groups she is gradually coping better with friendships with her peers. Whilst she is doing well in girls' brigade, swimming club, home-ed group etc., she will always have problems with groups. She is always concerned that one girl may be ‘taking away’ particular friends, but she is now beginning to learn that she can cope with her friends also being friends with others. Unfortunately it is something that girls do - we noticed it with our birth daughter also, they will get very close then cool off for a while and then pick up the threads again after a spell. It affects our adopted children more than birth children because it awakens the abandonment fear every time, and brings to the fore the fight or fright response. One of the things that has helped our daughter is making friendships with a neighbours' children. They are much younger and look up to her and will take some bossing around by her, up to a point. She can play younger games without losing face, and is genuinely looked up to by the younger girls, and their mum who thinks she is wonderful! We have to be careful to ration these play sessions though or our daughter starts to think she can take control and it could get out of hand. Friendships with peers isn't something they can learn to cope with overnight, it is a long painful process getting confidence with friendships and there is no shortcut. from Towanda Meeting Foster Carers After Placement From experience, ‘neutral ground’ is definitely best. We waited eight months before meeting up with our son's foster carers, although he had phoned them several times prior to this. He was aged three at the time. It was a positive experience for all concerned. However we definitely made a mistake in visiting them at their home about four months later – our son was not ready for this and the ‘fallout’ lasted a couple of weeks! I suppose what I'm saying is, take it slowly, at you and your child's pace – no one else's - and even though it's not easy it is always going to be better for your child if you can keep them in contact in some way with positive aspects of their early life. Bee Preparing Children to Start School Ask your social worker/local authority if they produce anything - if not it might spur them into doing something along the way. In the interim check out www.pleasemiss.co.uk as they have a special page for adopters which is basic but useful. Also get clued up on the www.dfes.gov.uk/parents site which has a lot of useful stuff. Practice the basic stuff like getting changed in and out of uniform/shoes/PE kit/blowing noses etc. That's what takes up so much time in the classroom. Get them used to having a little bag with a spare pair of knickers just in case of accidents so they are relaxed and matter of fact about it. They may be dry now but they can get so distracted in class they can forget all about going and that can be quite distressing for them if they are not prepared with a little routine. Talk to the school to find out how they will handle any problems you may have, whether your child can have some extra visits before going to school to help them become more familiar - our head was very good with both our kids in that way - it is a bigger deal for our kids because of the disruption they have already experienced. Check out the curriculum as there are some things that could make our children feel anxious - topics about their family may confuse or upset children as they do not know what is ok to disclose or just may not know the answers - has your child got a story to deal with such situations? Prepare their teacher and find out how you can communicate about difficult issues that may crop up. If your child gets stressed with situations now - what happens - what coping strategies are in place? The playground can be a chaotic sometimes frightening place - a few visits to similarly busy parks may build a little more resilience if you feel this is a problem - a lot of children just find the playground too rumbustious for them - does the school have a quiet area? Find some holiday activities - perhaps in your local library and see if you can leave them for a little while so they get used to being away from you. You will need the practice  probably more than them - as leaving them to go to school can be really hard on us when the time comes - can quite take you by surprise the emotions that come up. from Mayan49 Fussy Eating We had a problem with our daughter, who came to us aged three. She has something called Sensory Integration Disorder, which affects the way she processes various sensory information. It's a really interesting condition and people who have it can be affected in all sorts of different ways, so some people might be fine with touch e.g. our daughter, but struggle with other senses e.g. noise and taste for our daughter. I have it to a certain degree too, so was able to relate to what she was going through. I would hardly eat a thing as a child and my parents were at their wits end and did all the things that well-meaning people advise - to no avail. My daughter and I both have a problem with food texture and taste - we can't cope with bland or soft food. We love things which are crispy or heavily flavoured and simply can't cope with omelettes, custards, soft bread etc. Fast food is a real problem because you get such a huge reward, taste and texture wise for fairly little effort. It's all to do with the oral muscles - adopted children are at risk if they were neglected as babies and didn't get to suck enough. It is possible to eat a healthy diet with this condition but you have to be creative.  Work round the things they like - if they like things coated in breadcrumbs, put herb crumb toppings on fish pie, add cheese to dishes and brown it under the grill, add nuts to sweet dishes, start off with crispy apples and barely cooked broccoli or carrots (raw veg is hard because it requires too much chomping). Use crackers or bread sticks instead of bread, try cheese like Boursin, rather than creamy plain varieties etc. Another common problem with this condition is to dislike very sweet flavours, like strawberry. Tarter flavours like raspberry might work better, or choose chocolate or nut desserts or ice creams rather than fruit-flavoured ones. If your child has problems with their mouth muscles, get them to suck and blow with straws, play table football with a straw and cotton wool, blow bubbles - that sort of thing. And avoid foods they might find it difficult to manoeuvre round their mouths for now - rice and cake are particular culprits. from Garden Adopting an Older Sibling Group I would want to know how the children have got on in the past and what their relationships are like. Has one taken on the role of parenting the younger ones in the light of there being no parent available - this may mean that they find it difficult to be parented themselves and give up their role as carer, which means not letting you in. Do they rely on each other for comfort as they didn't get it from their birth parent, are they rejecting or hostile to each other, was one of them the ‘special’ child or one of them the ‘rejected’? These are all things that will continue post placement and that you need to know about. Family Futures, who do a lot of work on this, do advocate quite often that siblings that have suffered a lot of trauma are placed apart as they cannot possibly get the one to one intensive reparenting they need from one couple. If they have come from dysfunctional and destructive backgrounds they may have intense rivalry and jealousy. They may also act as triggers to each others trauma and re traumatise each other, or if there was sexual abuse they may be highly sexualised with each other. Ask if they have been observed together to see how they behave, not just by foster carers, but by someone trained in child development and attachment. It might be best to introduce each child separately, perhaps with the eldest first. Longer periods of introductions are usually the norm for older children. It might be best for the children if they deferred starting school and for you too, as you get into a pattern. Also I'd get a massive support package, get social services to agree to funding therapeutic support and help in any reparenting you may have to do. Taking several children is not an easy task. I think social workers do get emotional about keeping children together when their best chances of developing an attachment and recovering in a new family is to be placed separately, but with contact with their siblings. from Tsmum Attitude I have a seven-year-old with an attitude problem. I get contempt and expressions that basically say "you're so stupid" and it never fails to make me flare with anger (inside at least). On a bad day, I'll take her to task for her attitude and tell her in no uncertain terms that it's unacceptable. On a normal day, I'll just say "watch your attitude" and that's a sign to her that she needs to think about what she's saying, or how she's saying it. On a very good day, I'll joke that I have no idea why she's giving me the attitude that I know nothing, because I'm a perfect person that knows everything and am always right - even when I'm wrong! This usually makes her laugh, unless she's in a grump. And if she's in a grump, it tells me something is worrying her. from Fehrscaper Fussy Eating Our eldest daughter would not eat any veg and only one fruit when she came to us. She appeared to live off fast food from the usual big food chains much to our shock. We did buy some of the foods that she was used to, just to make her feel comfortable in her new home, but gradually dropped the unhealthy foods from her diet and replaced them with healthier foods i.e. veg and fruit. We now give her a mini version of what we eat. We did not force her to eat the food but encouraged her in a number of ways such as having green bean eating races, asking each other how yummy the carrots, etc. were and she soon picked up and tried them. It did not matter if we had to throw food out (dog put on some weight then). We also used the trick of yummy puddings - tinned fruit with a small amount of chocolate sprinkles (a useful trick to get children to eat healthy puddings) and Angel Delight. We also still have the odd naughty pudding every week and it seems to work. My biggest joy was when she met her foster parents at the front door munching a piece of raw carrot. I could see the surprise and shock on their faces - and it was not planned, honest! Don't try to rush things, go at their pace and encourage all the time but don't make a fuss. from Hunnybunny Introductions I went through intros with my daughter when she was seven-and-a-half years old. I made up a photo album with various pictures of me, the house, each room, the garden, my parents, sister, etc. and it was given to her two weeks before intros started. Her social worker read it with her at first when she was told about me, then she read it each evening with her foster carer. For us the intros lasted 10 days: Day 1 - one hour at the foster carer’s - I took a puzzle (something I knew she liked) and we completed it together. Days 2 and 3 - Two-and-a half-hours at the foster carer’s, including some time alone. We played with her toys and drew pictures for a scrapbook. Day 4 - From lunchtime to bedtime, we walked to the local park, then played at the foster carer’s. Day 5 - Day off! (Recharging batteries) She was cross that I wouldn't be seeing her but I made sure she knew I was getting things ready for her to come and live with me. Day 6 - A special day out together - just us to a local attraction I knew she'd enjoy. Day 7 - All day at the foster carer’s, from getting up to bedtime. Lots of books, walks, puzzles. Day 8 - The social worker brought my daughter to me for two hours. She looked at her new room and toys. Day 9 - The foster carer dropped her off with me for lunch to early evening. We walked to our local park and beach, then I took her back and did the evening routine. Day 10 - the foster carer brought her to me for the whole day. Day 11 - I collected her from the foster carer’s for her to move in. Lots of calm, home-based activities. I took lots of photos of intro time for her life story folder to link the foster carer and me. Once they were printed we spent time writing captions for each page before including them in her folder. The rest (as they say) is history! Contact with Foster Carers As a foster carer, I feel it’s important to try and keep some level of contact going, even if it fizzles out in time. I feel strongly that a meet-up or visit to or from the foster carer in the first month or two of adoptive placement is a positive thing - I know for some older children it may seem to 'upset' them, or even with littlies it may unsettle them, but it shows that the people they left still care about them. And I think that's important and even if it causes upset, can bring some benefits. As the adoptive parents, you are there to show you can more than fill the gap, and reassure them of your commitment and help them through their loss.   I guess for adoptive parents the worry may well be; ‘but what if s/he prefers the foster carers and rejects us? Best not take the risk.’ This safeguards adopters’ anxieties - but does it answer the need/desire/wish of the child to see their old carers for reinforcement that they still matter to them? I am reliably informed that this scenario rarely happens - usually children show a marked preference for their adopters, even if they are really happy to see their foster carers and ask to go back to their house, have tea etc. Provided the foster carer handles it well and enthuses about the new mummy and daddy etc. it’s more likely to go well than not. You may also find that the foster carer remembers more stuff to tell you, or it’s a good opportunity to ask some more questions that didn't previously occur to you. Most foster carers won't want a chunk of your child’s life - they're too busy! Just to be remembered, and reminded that they had a (hopefully) happy life with them. They may wish to send birthday and Christmas cards, again to reinforce the fact that your child matters to them. A meet-up from time to time, or even a few photos or video clip emailed at Christmas or after your summer holiday is enough for most foster carers, who will usually have another little one or ones to care for pretty soon afterwards. from Midge Looking at Pictures of the Past We have two boys and they're both very different. Our eldest was with his foster mum from birth to five months when he was placed with us and he was never happy looking at photographs of his time before he came to us. We just left his story book in a place that was accessible to him so that he could look at it when he was ready to. We certainly didn't push him. I don't think he had a terribly good attachment to his foster mum and we had problems with him attaching to us - even at such a young age, so I didn't want to do anything that was going to upset him. Our youngest was with his foster mum for nine months and their relationship was brilliant. We speak regularly, I send her photographs and we've met up once. He was fine whilst with her but was upset later that night. I haven't yet been through his life story book with him - he's 21 months old now and has been here for almost 10 months. I will start doing it soon but he was terribly upset during the contact visits and is crying in the pictures and I don't want to inflict that on him yet. It's something you want them to know about, but don't push it - sometimes we have to do things at their pace.  Berllan Adopting an Older Sibling Group We had three children placed with us a year and a half ago – now aged four, six and eight. We were approached about our children with very positive information and a very positive social worker representing the children. We were told that the children were ‘straight forward and very adoptable’. They were placed in separate foster homes. A recent independent review suggests they should have never been placed together as they are continuing to relive their pasts with each other, they have such differing needs and the oldest is abusing the younger two. It is extremely hard to keep our younger two safe from our oldest – who is a lovely child but is just so angry and hurt from his past. However – they are our children now and that can’t change. What would I do differently? 1. Talk to the foster parents without social workers present before matching and ask them lots of questions. 2. Ask the social workers if a proper assessment has been undertaken to determine if the siblings should all be placed together. Lots of social workers think that all siblings should be placed together – but experts are now questioning this. Sometimes it is appropriate, sometimes not - there probably is no right answer, but they should be able to show you that they thought about it anyway! 3. Get a good support package put into place. Do not think that you won’t need it.  We had nothing and were on our knees – we were so tired and stressed out. We now get practical support (respite and domestic) but we had to fight for it – better ask at the start. I do love my children, and am so glad to have them in my life, but it has not been easy and there have been times when we wondered if we could go on – but we still do.  Clicky Food Issues We had a terrible time when our son came to us. He had a very limited diet that consisted of sausages, fish fingers, smiley faces, cheese, chicken nuggets, scrambled eggs and lemonade. That was it - he would not eat anything else and if it was not in the packet that he knew then he would not eat it. He would have tantrums, say he was going to throw up on the table, cry and carry on for hours on end. His foster carers would not try to get him to eat anything else, even though he was with them for nearly two years as they did not like to see him cry.   To get round the problem of packaging, everything I bought was put i