Adoptive parents with no previous experience of parenting might wonder where to start, or what they should be doing in the early days of placement, to help build the foundations of their family. This week’s Special Feature draws on the tips and experiences of an Online Community user.
Writing on the message boards recently, Online Community user Pear Tree explained why she decided to put together ten tips for the first year of placement.
She writes: ‘Over seven years ago when my little people arrived I think I was totally clueless about where to start. The sudden arrival of two children who needed organising, caring for and specialist levels of support I found totally overwhelming and I think I was very shell shocked for a good six months perhaps longer.
‘Since then I have learnt a lot about the things I wish I had done when mine were smaller at the start of placement.’
1. Think younger and nurture your child
Feed on demand and respond quickly to fussing. With a younger child use a sling. Keep older children close and allow them to regress using bottles, toddler/baby toys and simple stories and games.
Play games that promote eye contact, like peekaboo, mirroring, and hide-and-seek. Brush their hair, rub in cream and remember sensory stuff is really important (smells, soft music, lighting).
Make it clear that good consistent food and care comes from you. This will not make them over dependent, it will help them to quell some inner anxiety, and begin to develop trust in you as the most important care giver.
The child who goes to anyone and gets picked up all the time is a child who cannot fully trust - it is false independence because they think that the only person they can rely on is themselves. Avoid overnight stays for the first year of placement.
2. Teach children to play - give them new and varied experiences of life.
Set aside at least half an hour a day for play with your children (break this down for younger children). Let them choose the activity to start with, do a lot of ‘wondering’ out loud and keep the questions to a minimum.
Start simple and with a child who struggles to concentrate start with short periods of time and build up. Try and vary the sensory aspects of activities i.e. playing in the park swings one day, exploring the sand pit another, sticking stickers and doing face paints another.
3. Mum (or Dad) “ese”
Use the sing-song, gentle tones you would with a little new born baby especially when you are showing the children something new.
Use simple one or two step instructions and repeat them often. Try not to show frustration when they appear not to hear, take in or listen fully.
Praise them and give them lots of ‘I love you’ reassurance. If your child shrinks from your touch, wink at them, give a gentle touch of the hand, eskimo kisses of rubbing noses, draw a pizza on their backs. 4. When toddlers or older children are not keeping their hands, feet (or teeth!) to themselves
Physically (gently) divert the child when you spot that a stealthy whack is on its way, use your body to move them and give the attention to the ‘harmed’ party. For little biters consider getting some teething rings and for little pickers try and get some things that the child can safely fiddle with.
Teach them to touch and handle other people and animals with care and trace each others’ faces with your fingers to promote that bonding. Make positive comments about the children’s features and notice something different each time you try this.
5. Look after yourself
Model eating well, sleeping well and looking after yourself so your children learn that they too can learn to have this self respect. Take time to look after your relationships. Take the impact of living with a child who has suffered early loss and trauma seriously.
Remember that you are an individual! Learn something new for you - take up an art class, learn a language, try salsa dancing. Plan in the time for whatever helps you relax.
6. Adoption support groups
Although a strong support network is helpful, getting people around you who really understand is really important. Cyber support groups are also very helpful.
7. Keep it simple, calm but interesting
Often children who were neglected or suffered inconsistent care were very understimulated and struggle to cope with the lively loudness of modern homes. Be sensitive to this and keep things simple and calm.
Feely boxes of interesting things like a fir cone, tin foil, cotton wool, avocado stone, can be very soothing and interesting. Use simple routines and visual timetables to help children feel secure.
The children are likely to be attracted to chaotic children and families. Shepherd them into making appropriate friendships and being calm and contained.
8. Explain who you are and your role
As a child can start to understand, spell out that Mummy makes you dinner because she loves you. If they reject care or refuse to wash/look after themselves or their stuff show them the steps like you would a much younger child and explain that this is so the child looks ‘cared for’ - because they are.
Drop in the terms ‘adoption’, ‘foster carer’ and ‘birth mum/dad’ (or whatever terms you use). Make a life story book based on the child’s life now, but adding ‘you didn’t always live here’.
9. After a year if things are not quite right
Caroline Archer’s Parenting the Child Who Hurts books provide a more comprehensive list, but children should:
·Be seeking out their parents for affection and play
·Be showing off for positive attention
·Prefer being with the parent - should show some excitement about time together
·Seek out the parent when hurt or distressed
Trauma and traumatic grief are common culprits when children are remaining wary, fearful, and controlling of their parents.
Signs of trauma with younger children include regular night terrors, dissociation (child shuts off emotionally and stares away), scratching, biting, extreme moods, freezing in place, and destructiveness. If your instinct tells you something is not quite right, you are probably right.
Post adoption services, CAMHS, Adoption UK and the Post Adoption Centre are all sources of help. Seeking help is not failure - it is just that the needs of the children require professional input.
10. Be positive, kind, empathic and playful
Do not fall into the nagging trap. Have fun and to try and laugh everyday with your child. Show kindness by the gentleness of your voice and through the care you can offer.
Remember to use humour and to grit your teeth and be patient. Progress may be slow but you will be able to look back over the first year and realise how far you have come.
